BRUCE CAMPBELL Rocks Wizard World with LAST FAN STANDING

The good folks at Moviepilot were gracious enough to arrange for me to cover all three days of the Wizard World Comic Con in Portland, OR. I was honored, excited and nervous all at once, because even though I’ve been around a while (probably longer than most of you reading this), I’ve never actually attended a Comic Con before, never cosplayed or hung around those who do (although my youngest daughter, because of my long hair and beard, suggested I cosplay as Jesus).

Still, I was up for the challenge, and for the first day of the Con, since most of the celebrity Q&A panels were scheduled for Saturday and Sunday, I planned to mingle and see what was there, get some pix of some of the more impressive cosplayers and sit-in on a few of the events scheduled for the evening.

But, alas, I feel like I may have let Moviepilot down on this first night. Sure, I met some folks with awesome costumes, and was in awe of the vendor booths which filled the Oregon Convention Center (it’s truly movie-TV-comic-geek heaven). But then I got distracted like Dug the Dog spotting a squirrel when they announced Bruce Campbell’s new game show, Last Fan Standing, would be beginning in a few minutes.

Oh, hell yeah! I just had to cover this!

Last Fan Standing is a new program which will soon air on ConTV, a channel dedicated to all-things pop culture geeks love. It’s similar to Jeopardy, except contestants are chosen from the audience through a preliminary trivia quiz, where everyone is given a clicker to respond to a series of multiple choice questions related to movies, television and comics in the sci-fi, fantasy and horror genres. The top eight scores get to compete onstage, four per game during the two episodes taped each day at Wizard World Comic Cons across the country.

With Bruce Campbell as the host, how could I resist? I’ve been a huge fan of Campbell ever since Evil Dead 2, and this would be a great opportunity to get some photos of him.

But when I showed up at the ballroom where the show was about to begin taping (showing my press credentials), I was simply handed a tiny clicker and told, “You’re playing.”

Playing? I briefly considered reminding them I was just here to cover the event, then thought, what the hell? So I took my seat among about 300 other fans, still mostly hoping to get a good shot of Bruce in game show mode (it doeskinda seem like a role he’s born to play). Anyway, before Bruce even came out, they needed to select the contestants through 15 multiple-choice trivia questions, which we answered by choosing the corresponding button on our clickers. And the faster we answered, the more points we received.

I think I missed three answers overall, and when the four contestants were selected for the first show, I wasn’t really disappointed I wasn’t among them. While I have considerable knowledge of pop culture trivia, I knew I was hobnobbing with folks whose dedication far exceed mine. Besides, I was only covering the event anyway.

Bruce Campbell came out for the actual taping with these four contestants, and let me say, the man is as quick-witted and funny as you’ve always imagined, sharp with the congenial verbal jab and dead-pan stare at some of the dumber responses to his questions. ConTV couldn’t have picked a more perfect host. However, seated twenty rows back, I still couldn’t get a decent picture of him in action.

Round 1 consists of a series of questions, and the fastest to hit their button and answer correctly gets points. If they answer incorrectly, someone else has a shot. This is followed by the ‘lightning round’, and whoever has the lowest score afterwards is eliminated. Round 2 follows suit until there are just two contestants remaining. For the final found, the points are reset at zero. There are three genre-related categories available. Whoever has the current high score gets to pick their category first. The runner-up picks from the remaining two, but gets the first shot at answering the five questions related to that topic. At this point, the questions are really difficult and obscure. Whoever answers the most questions correctly in their chosen category is the winner and the Last Fan Standing.

One contestant during the first show, quick on the button and possessing an unholy amount of geek knowledge, wiped the floor with everyone else. Campbell often made numerous amusing comments throughout the taping at how one sided this game was, and had a lot of fun at the expensive of those who were getting smoked by this guy. Shortly before the final round, the producers called the numbers (printed on the backs of the clickers) of the four slated to participate in the second episode.

My number was called.

I checked my clicker, then put on my glasses and checked again. “Holy shit,” I said out loud. “That’s me!” I was one of the top eight??? Out of 300 people???

I got a few pats on the back by strangers seated around me and headed forward, quickly ushered backstage where I barely had enough time to drop my backpack before I was signing release forms and being wired with a microphone to go onstage. A producer kept reminding the four of us to be confident and outgoing on the show, but I was still reeling from the fact I’d be sharing the stage with none other than Bruce Campbell, not to mention being filmed before an audience of hundreds to be aired on TV. Confident? The only time I’m ever confident is when I’m safely at the keyboard of my computer! I’m not too photogenic, have a terrible smile and am generally introverted around people I don’t know. Perfect game show contestant, right?

Anyway, I managed not to puke and jumped onstage with my fellow contestants to the applause of the audience, which erupted ten-fold when Campbell himself came out and high-five us all before getting behind his podium. I briefly forgot my nervousness as he spoke to the crowd and cameras to explain the game…after all, I was standing three feet away from BRUCE CAMPBELL, who addressed me by name and asked me what I did for a living!

Then the game commenced, and despite my nervousness, I held my own against my three opponents, actually having the lead through the first round, although I raised the ire of the entire audience when I hit the buzzer first and blurted out that Superman was the hero raised by Ben and May Parker. Bruce calmly stated, “No, it’s the other guy in tights,” which got a big laugh from the crowd. I was actually kind-of giddy at that point…I just got burned by Bruce Campbell!!

The dude next to me, however, was an expert in everything comic and superhero-related, and took the lead in the second round (not to mention winning-over the audience with his Chewbacca impression). As someone far more at ease onstage, this guy was clearly the audience favorite. Still, despite the Round 2 questions related mostly to shit I knew almost nothing about, I managed to make it to the final round, where me and the comic expert dude would go toe-to-toe.

This was where we got to pick our topics (5 question eachs) from a choice of three…Graphic Movies, High Falutin’ Vampires and The Potterverse. Since Comic Dude had the lead, he chose Potterverse (which I had a sinking feeling he knew everything about). I briefly considered Graphic Movies, but being that this was a Comic Con, graphic movies probably meant movies based on graphic novels (rather than ultra-gory movies), so I chose High Falutin’ Vampires and hoped there were no Twilight questions.

I went first, and although some of the questions were really tough (Karen Bigelow’s directorial debut? [Near Dark, by the way]), I managed to answer all five correctly. So did Comic Dude with his Harry Potter questions (even answering the last one with a confident English accent).

The game was still a tie, at which time Bruce looked at me. I threw up my hands and admitted I wouldn’t have been able to answer a single one of the Harry Potter questions, which got some laughs from the crowd (especially those cheering on Comic Dude).

From what I gathered, a tie after three rounds doesn’t happen often, so it was back to the buzzers where we would square off on the last category neither of us selected…Graphic Movies, which was kind of a mash-up of both of our areas of expertise, and it was only because I was faster on the buzzer on the last question that I won the game.

I got some applause from the audience (I wasn‘t the ‘popular’ win, probably because I displayed the personality of a plate of shrimp), but more importantly, I got a vigorous handshake from Bruce Campbell, the man I was initially hoping to simply get a decent picture of. He lead me and Comic Dude backstage for more pictures and handshakes. Bruce told us both how great we were, probably because of the down-to-the-wire suspense we inadvertently created for the show. Still, it was Bruce who dictated the backstage photos, one with me and Comic Dude, and one with just me and him. Even though he is the obvious star, he took time to genuinely compliment both of us on a job well done before being whisked away by his managers. Shortly afterwards, a producer was asking me for my address and phone number because I was getting $500 for winning the game. Wow! I wasn’t expecting that!

Yeah, I showed up as a member of the press, and yeah, I participated in the game as a fan. But as someone who’s met and interviewed a few celebrities as a writer, I can assure you that Bruce Campbell is a class act, a nice guy who truly appreciates his fans. I didn’t get the interview or photo op I wanted. Instead, I got to hang out with him onstage with countless fans watching. This was a truly unforgettable experience I’ll cherish forever (at least until the show airs and I see how awful I am on TV). If Wizard World Comic Con comes anywhere near you, do yourself a favor and come to one of the Last Fan Standing shows, because you never know. Maybe you’ll end up shaking hands with Bruce Campbell as well!

Anyway, the show ended after Day 1 of Comic Con was over, and Last Fan Standing took up most of the time I was originally planning to use covering the overall event. I’m sure the folks at Moviepilot will understand that sometimes you gotta throw away your press pass, give-in to your inner fan and bow to the alter of your idols.

In this case, Hail to the King, Baby!

DVD Review: BIG DRIVER

Starring Maria Bello, Olympia Dukakis, Ann Dowd, Will Harris, Joan Jett. Directed by Mikael Saloman. (2014, 90 min).
Lionsgate

As a Stephen King fan from the get-go, I’ve read enough to know he doesn’t knock it out of the park every single time. When he’s on, King reconfirms my long-held assessment he's the greatest writer to ever lived. But when he’s off, I sometimes toss the book across the room in frustration and wonder just what the hell he was thinking when he came up with this shit. His collection of four novellas, Full Dark, No Stars, is one of those ‘off’ books.

Oh, it’s well-written and everything, but perhaps that’s one of the biggest reasons it left such an awful taste in my mouth. While not horror tales per se, each story wallows in misery, brutality and nihilism, rubbing your face in these characters’ darkest thoughts to the point you can practically taste the nastiness oozing from the page. Of all of his books, Full Dark, No Stars is easily the most depressing. After finishing each story, I tried to imagine how they could be adapted into a film (since most King stories eventually are), but came up with the same question: “Who the hell would want to see it?”

So it’s a credit to director Mikael Saloman & writer Richard Christian Matheson (yes, son of the late, great Richard Matheson) that Big Driver, based on one of King’s tales from that decadent collection, not only manages to be watchable, but pretty rousing.

"I totally ROCK at Angry Birds."

It can’t start off that way, of course, since the story involves Tess Thorne (Maria Bello), a popular author of cozy mysteries who is brutally beaten, raped and left-for-dead during her drive back from a lecture. The entire first act is justifiably disturbing (especially for a made-for-TV movie), but necessary in order to set up the rest of the film. Tess briefly considers going to the police, but ultimately decides to tell no one for fear of what the media would say, preferring to administer her own brand of justice.

But Big Driver isn’t another rehash of I Spit on Your Grave, nor is Tess your typical ass-kicker hell-bent on revenge. She remains vulnerable and struggles with her decision the entire time. In fact, even though she’s already sorted-out every scenario in her head, we’re never 100% convinced she’s chosen the logical course of action.

Much of the original story depended hugely on Tess’ internal monologue, which this version ingeniously conveys by embodying her inner voice through the ‘presence’ of Doreen (Olympia Dukakis), the main character from Tess’ mystery novels, and more amusingly, the GPS monitor in her car. Because of them, we know what’s going on in her head every step of the way.

But ultimately, Big Driver is all about sweet revenge. Despite Tess’ inner turmoil, we are never in doubt that everyone who had a hand in her brutal assault deserves the worst form of retribution possible. As such, the movie is indeed very satisfying, because sometimes in life, the wisest decision isn’t the one which makes us feel better.

By the way, did I mention this first premiered on Lifetime? There's hope for that channel yet.

EXTRAS: None

FKMG RATING:

(OUT OF 5)

Movie Haiku of the Week: THE SHINING

“Heeeres Johnny!” roars Jack,

Because all work and no play

Makes him a dull boy.

Blu-Ray Review: ON GOLDEN POND

Starring Katharine Hepburn, Henry Fonda, Jane Fonda, Doug McKeon, Dabney Coleman. Directed by Mark Rydell. (1981, 109 min).
Shout!Factory

When you think about Henry Fonda’s decades-long career, it’s pretty astounding he never won an Oscar until 1981’s On Golden Pond. Did he deserve one before then? Absolutely. Who didn’t love him in The Grapes of Wrath, Mister Roberts and 12 Angry Men? At the same time, who didn’t totally despise him as Frank in Once Upon a Time in the West?

The man was eclectic before it was fashionable, and even though his latter-day resume  was peppered with disaster movies and forgettable dramas where he was more of a symbol than a character, he went out in a blaze of glory with On Golden Pond, the perfect capper to an amazing career. Sure, the Academy probably gave him the Best Actor Oscar more out of respect than anything else, but Fonda is truly what makes On Golden Pond such a memorable film. In many ways, we feel like Fonda and his character, Norman Thayer, are one in the same. It’s his subtle gravitas which gives the film such emotional weight. Yeah, he might simply be playing an extension of himself, but damn, does it work. Even though the original story is based on a play, just try to imagine anyone else in the role, before or after.

"Hey, look...boobies!"

So emotionally-resonant is his performance that we tend to forget Katharine Hepburn is every-bit his equal, and who also won an Oscar for her role as his oft-suffering wife. At any rate, this Blu-Ray release from Shout!Factory serves as a neat reminder of the emotional power the film had on audiences in 1981; in an era rife with FX-driven blockbusters, On Golden Pond was the third biggest film of the year.

And a lot of that is due to Fonda, who may not be stretching himself in the purest sense of the word, but he carries a lifetime of outstanding performances which ultimately culminates with On Golden Pond, arguably the ultimate victory lap. It’s a truly wonderful, bittersweet performance, and if it’s been a few years since you’ve seen the film, here’s a great chance to rediscover it.

EXTRAS:

• Audio Commentary with director Mark Rydell
• Featurettes: Reflections of On Golden Pond; A Woman of Substance: Katharine Hepburn
• Trailer

FKMG RATING:

1/2

(OUT OF 5)

Blu-Ray Giveaway: THE PIRATES

FREE KITTENS MOVIE GUIDE and WELL GO USA are giving away Blu-Ray copies of the Korean action-adventure film, The Pirates.

"Swashbuckling adventure on a grand scale." 

- Hollywood Reporter

"The Pirates is a lot of fun. It’s the kind of movie you walk away from with a goofy grin on your face." 

- Free Kittens Movie Guide

 To enter, simply comment on this post along with your email, which will not be used for any other purpose. Contest ends 2/15!

Blu-Ray Review: THE PIRATES

Starring Kim Nam-gil, Son Ye-jin, Yoo Hae-jin, Lee Geung-young, Oh Dal-su, Kim Tae-woo. Directed by Lee Seok-hoon. (2014, 130 min).
Well Go USA

I don’t know anything about the history of Asian piracy, nor do I care. I doubt the makers of South Korea's The Pirates cared either, since it is obvious from the get-go this film is more about action, explosions, romance, comedy and spectacle than anything resembling historical accuracy. But as viewers, we’re better off. A true ‘kitchen sink’ movie, The Pirates throws everything at the wall to see if it sticks. As such, it’s wonderfully entertaining and arguably better than any of the godawful Pirates of the Caribbean sequels.

In 14th Century China, the emperor’s royal seal establishing the Joseon Dynasty ends up being swallowed by a whale (!). Soon after, just about everybody with a boat is on the hunt for this whale, government agents hoping to save face, pirates and bandits looking for a big score, and a couple of characters bent on revenge on those who betrayed them (even though they deserved it). Most of the focus is on Jang Sa-jung, leader of a group of mountain bandits, and Yeo-wol, the female pirate captain. They hate each other at first (of course), but since they are the only characters too good looking to be marauders or pirates, anyone who’s seen even a few similar Hollywood epics knows where this relationship is heading.

"Don't call me Xena."

Meanwhile, The Pirates bombards us with hyperkinetic swordplay, wild chases, narrow escapes and several unexpected moments of slapstick comedy (the most memorable being a great white shark capable of dragging a boatload of bandits through the sea faster than a jet boat). Everything is well choreographed and amusing, and while the ample use of CGI to depict epic scenes of destruction is fairly obvious, we’ve already been swept along by the story and its characters, so who cares?

Most importantly, The Pirates is a lot of fun. It’s the kind of movie you walk away from with a goofy grin on your face, knowing what you just watched was ultimately ridiculous, but would have been less enjoyable otherwise.

EXTRAS: None

FKMG RATING:

(OUT OF 5)

Blu-Ray Review: A WALK AMONG THE TOMBSTONES

Starring Liam Neeson (yeah!), Dan Stevens, Boyd Holbrook, Sebastian Roche, Brian “Astro” Bradley. Directed by Scott Frank. (2014, 116 min).
Universal

Ever taken a chance on a fancy five-star restaurant, the kind you feel the need to dust-off that single tie in your closet reserved for weddings and funerals? You justifiably expect any place that compels you to remember how to make a Windsor knot would have great food and first class service. Yet, the unpronounceable $50 entrée you ordered ends up being awful, making you wish you’d have just gone to Red Robin. You feel ripped off, knowing that at-least Robin’s Whiskey River BBQ burger and a side of fries has never let you down.

Lately, Liam Neeson has been the cinematic equivalent of that burger.

Neeson is an indisputably great actor (Schindler’s List proved that), but as far as I’m concerned, I’d be totally happy if be spends the rest of his days as the Charles Bronson of the 21st Century. He’s carved a nifty little niche for himself as an action hero of mid-budget potboilers like Non-Stop, The Grey and the Taken franchise. None of them are what you’d call high-art, but they’re seldom disappointing either. Just like Red Robin’s reliable burger baskets, at least you know what you’re gonna get.

You can add A Walk Among the Tombstones to the menu. Actually, this one is more like ordering that burger basket and substituting the fries with onion rings. If you’ve ever enjoyed Red Robin’s o-rings, you know what I’m talking about. They make a great meal even better. As much undemanding fun as Taken and Non-Stop are, A Walk Among the Tombstones is arguably better because it’s far more character driven, allowing Neeson to do much more with his character than threaten his enemies (though he does that here, too) before blowing them away.

"You're getting the check, right?"

This time, Neeson plays Matt Scudder, a recovering alcoholic PI hired by a prominent New York drug dealer (Dan Stevens) to find those who kidnapped and killed the man’s wife. Scudder is initially reluctant to take the job until he learns these thugs have previously kidnapped the wives of other kingpins, holding them for ransom before slaughtering them anyway. When one crimelord's daughter is ultimately abducted, we learn much about Scudder’s dark past, especially during conversations with a homeless boy he befriends (T.J., wonderfully played by Brian Bradley), who has aspirations of being a Sam Spade-like detective.

The interplay between Neeson and Bradley is easily the best part of the film, raising A Walk Among the Tombstones above the usual one-man-demolition-crew similar movies end up becoming. This extra attention to characters may initially disappoint those expecting something more akin to Taken. In fact, there isn’t a hell of a lot of action until the final act, but since the film is based on just one of a long-running series of Matt Scudder novels by Lawrence Block, it only makes sense these characters (not their actions) are the crux of the story. But rest assured, the film still comes to a climax which should satisfy fans of Neeson’s middle-aged ass-kicking.

Ultimately, A Walk Among the Tombstones is a worthy addition to Neeson’s career renaissance of revenge and rampage, once-again reminding us his skills as an actor are ultimately what sets his films apart from the empty slam-bang fireworks of the typical action flick.

EXTRAS:
Featurettes: A Look Behind the Tombstones (making of); Matt Scudder, Private Eye

FKMG RATING:

1/2

(OUT OF 5)

DVD Review: ZODIAC: SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Starring Joel Gretsch, Reilly Dolman, Andrea Brooks, Christopher Lloyd. Directed by W.D. Hogan. (2014, 90 min).
Anchor Bay

The title of this little cheapie (which premiered on SyFy, of course) may be the most clear-cut example of truth-in-advertising since Sharknado. But those looking for the same self-aware sense of humor will be sorely disappointed. Zodiac takes its premise seriously, and while the dialogue, performances and special effects are often laughable, this movie isn’t nearly as much daffy fun as your usual Saturday night schlockfest. In fact, it’s a crushing bore.

A down-on-his-luck archeologist discovers zodiac markings in a recently opened cave and somehow makes the connection they are an ominous sign of the end of the world. Sure enough, Earth is soon bombarded every ten minutes by tsunamis, meteor strikes, lightning and volcanic eruptions, each preceded by the actual zodiac symbols appearing in clouds, fire, smoke or water. The effect is supposed to be global, but these signs conveniently only show up wherever the cast happens to be at the time, which is mostly driving around the backwoods of Canada, since that’s where a lot of these movies are made (I guess that means our neighbors up north will get more of a heads-up than the rest of us).

Biggest. Spider. Ever.

If you’re in the right frame of mind, cheap-jack SyFy flicks can be kinda fun if you leave any expectations of greatness at the door. But Zodiac seldom even reaches that so-bad-it’s-good level. Despite the ridiculous premise, it’s difficult to have much fun at its expense because nothing really interesting happens, mostly due to the lame story and dull characters. Even the eccentricities of the great Christopher Lloyd, in what amounts to a glorified cameo, are woefully underused. How is that even possible?

EXTRAS: None

FKMG RATING:

(OUT OF 5)

Movie Haiku of the Week: GONE WITH THE WIND

Rhett Butler is frank

When he informs Scarlett he

Doesn't give a damn.

STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS and the Recipe for Disappointment

Starring John Boyega, Daisy Ridley, Adam Driver, Oscar Isaac, Andy Serkis, Max von Sydow, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamill, Anthony Daniels, Peter Mayhew, Kenny Baker. Directed by J.J. Abrams. (2015).

Are we getting our hopes up too high here?

Sure, we’re all excited. Who wouldn’t be? Ever since Disney acquired Lucasfilm in 2012 for a staggering $4 billion and immediately announced a seventh film, Star Wars fans worldwide started salivating, exuberant that their beloved saga would indeed continue. Regardless of your opinion of Disney’s marketing practices, you have to admit they’ve always handled the properties they’ve acquired (like Jim Henson Studios, Pixar and Marvel) with great care, and with arguably more respect than the beloved franchises they created themselves (Bambi II anyone?).

Additionally promising was the news that George Lucas’ role would be strictly as a consultant, leaving most of the creative decisions in more capable hands. Sure, he may have created this universe, but few would argue that the perceived debacle of the prequel trilogy was largely due to Lucas answering to no one to but himself (kind of like Howard Hughes during his crazy years). The original Star Wars notwithstanding, he’s a terrible screenwriter and questionable director who eventually became far more in-love with technology than storytelling.

Most of us would also agree that putting J.J. Abrams (director & co-writer) in charge of the first film was a good first step in redirecting a wayward ship. After all, he successfully rescued Star Trek from mothballs, though he wasn’t even a fan of the original series. Abrams has his detractors (who doesn’t?), but he’s since-made his love and respect for the original Star Wars trilogy abundantly clear. Whether or not he enhances or tarnishes its legacy remains to be seen, but there’s no arguing his track record as a solid director.

In the ensuing months, what Star Wars fan wasn’t jazzed upon hearing Lawrence Kasdan (co-writer of The Empire Strikes Back) was hired to work on the new screenplay, or that John Williams was returning to score the film? Most exciting of all, of course, was the news Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford would be reprising their iconic characters (though most-likely in supporting roles) at least one more time. Techno-geeks were equally appeased when Abrams informed us this new film to be utilizing practical special effects (as opposed to CGI) as much as possible in order to retain the look and feel of the original trilogy.

By now, who the hell wasn’t looking forward to The Force Awakens?

Then the first trailer was released not too long ago. As if renewed Star Wars mania wasn’t heated enough, media & fan frenzy exploded like a hydrogen bomb afterwards. That trailer (brilliantly made, I might add) was immediately deified/crucified, analyzed frame-by-frame, picked-apart, reassembled and extensively written about by critics, bloggers, trolls and fans, all with their own predictions, gripes, agendas, theories and wish-lists. We’ve read everything from rapturous worship by those blindly celebrating this film as though it were the second coming of Christ, to basement-dwelling mama’s boys questioning the logistics of a cross-guard light saber, to the darkest trolls of humanity lamenting the possibility one of the main characters is black (the internet is sometimes an awful place). Hell, there are even numerous articles by guys with too much spare time on their hands who’ve written thousands of words just analyzing the fucking title.

As of this writing, the movie is still 11 months away from being released, yet right now, you can Google Star Wars and find thousands of articles by folks (both articulate and idiotic) who are already 100% convinced The Force Awakens is destined to be the greatest film of the year, deserving of every single Oscar it has the potential to be nominated for. As a fan who fell in love with the original Star Wars 38 years ago, I’d love nothing more than to agree. Hell, I’m rooting for the damn thing to be the greatest cinema spectacle of all time.

The Force just awakened...in his pants.

But alas, I can’t bring myself to declare blind allegiance to the success of a movie just because it has Star Wars in the title. I learned that hard lesson 16 years ago, when similar pre-release hype surrounded Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

If you weren’t around back them, rest assured, the anticipation reached similarly epidemic proportions. Hardcore fans paid for movies they had no interest in seeing just to catch the fucking trailer; others (apparently with jobs worth walking away from) camped out in front of theaters weeks before the release date; a few Australians even flew to the U.S. to be the first from their country to see it. Between the fanboys and prerelease hype, there was no way The Phantom Menace could disappoint.

Right?

Again, if you weren’t around back then, The Phantom Menace was widely regarded as a massive disappointment. I won’t go into specifics because you’ve heard all that shit before. The point is, there ultimately reaches a moment where an anticipated film cannot possibly live up to the hyperactive expectations of those waiting for it. Sure, The Phantom Menace was rife with problems, but based on what the brand name meant to fans worldwide, you’d have thought the film took a massive shit on their childhood memories, mainly because those same folks automatically assumed the film would be great. While they vocally blamed Lucas, what they should have done was look in the mirror.

One thing I can safely say about most fanboys is that they love to talk stuff to death, working each other into a frenzy by discussing and debating menial shit the Average Joe doesn’t give a damn about, especially if the topic of discussion is a movie no one has seen yet. Hell, we’re doing that right now. I don’t have science or hard data to support me, but I’m pretty certain the internet & social media has already made The Force Awakens the most discussed and debated film of all time. People just gotta know about every single plot detail, new character, gadget and special effect way in advance.

But you know what? The Force Awakens could still suck. No one wants it to suck, of course, but the fact remains it’s entirely possible J.J. Abrams could totally screw-the-pooch. After all, even Spielberg and Hitchcock made some stinkers during their careers.

Do I think it will suck? No...like everyone else, I hope it’ll knock my socks off. But shouldn’t we have more of a hopeful wait-and-see attitude, remaining as objective as possible in order to judge the film on its own merits, without the hysterical pre-release baggage threatening to drag it down into that pit of despair where Indiana Jones 4 and Die Hard 5 dwell? I have no desire to know the story until I see it for myself, and I actually wish the return of Hamill, Ford and Fisher was kept a secret. Wouldn’t that have been an awesome surprise if no one knew? Of course, in this day and age, that’s impossible, because everyone just has to know everything right away.

At this point, the insane level of media and fan scrutiny surrounding this film is a recipe for disappointment. Only a movie co-directed by Steven Spielberg and the ghost of Stanley Kubrick, co-written by Shakespeare, J.K. Rowling and Stephen King, with music by a reunited Led Zeppelin and starring Jesus Christ & Marilyn Monroe could possibly meet the expectations of those convinced The Force Awakens will be nothing short of a religious experience.

Ultimately, we’re better off looking forward to The Force Awakens for what it will likely be, a good (perhaps great) film by a solid director. We shouldn’t bring our preconceived ideals or expectations to the table, demanding this-or-that. As of this writing, we’ve seen a mere snippet of the film in a teaser trailer, hardly a source to formulate any kind of speculation, positive or negative. In fact, we shouldn’t be speculating at all.

Really, we need to just take a deep breath and let that shit go because, in the long run, Star Wars: The Force Awakens is still just a movie, even if most of us hope it’s the mother of all movies.